01/18: Dear Idiot Student...

Dear Idiot Student,

I understand that you are a student in my upcoming Spring 2006 course on Cannibalism in Higher Education. Prior to beginning the semester, let's set some ground rules.

At the end of the semester, when you receive your grade in the mail, you are going to be surprised that there will not be an A next to this course. You see, I'm tired of giving out As to students who don't earn them. I'm tired of having idiot students who think that they can blow off classes, instant message during their class, and submit papers with cover pages handwritten in yellow highlighter and riddled with spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors. So I'm boycotting As this semester. In fact, I might boycott Bs as well.

For the past seven years, I've heard every excuse in the book. "I was confused!" and "I didn't know..." are the two that top the list. If you are that stupid that you don't know how to follow my syllabus or what day one is when the class week starts on Sunday and ends on Saturday, you probably shouldn't be in college. Chances are that you graduated from high school because those teachers were sick of your stupid antics and are just moving the problem right on up the food chain.

It's interesting because no matter how much time I try to create an interesting course...one that means something and isn't just read the book/answer the questions, you will complain. So, I've joined the dark side and have decided that, since you are going to complain anyway, I might as well make my life easy and go back to the boring lecture with midterm and final exams. See how you like that brainless crap vs. the cool projects of simulated real-world marketing plans or product line development projects. Doesn't matter, though, does it? We both know that you'll bitch and moan about that, too.

What you students don't understand is that instructors talk and, after the first few years of thinking that WE are the idiots, we become aware that our students play psychological warfare with us. I will no longer take responsibility for your ignorance or laziness in meeting deadlines. That's YOUR problem and YOUR fault. I will not longer tolerate being called by my first name instead of Professor. We aren't buddies and will never be pals.

When you get your B (or C), feel free to go through the school's grade grievance process. You'll find that wasting my time, the department chair's time, the dean's time, and the academic review board's time is something we are all used to since everyone who receives an A- or below tends to fight the system and file petitions for that A. Hey, and while you are at it, why not include the college president on the email! S/He always likes to be bothered by idiot retards like you with your senseless grievances because you were too lazy or dumb to work hard during the semester or complaints of mass confusion after you received a grade that you don't like. That's always one way to make yourself look better, trust me. Oh, and try that little trick at work sometime and see how quickly you get passed over for that promotion.

I actually had an idea that we should just forget about classes and papers and over-expensive textbooks and exams. Instead, all professors' should just dish out that A. For adult students, their employer will be extremely amazed at the number of geniuses they have hired. For those 18 year olds, your parents will be shocked to find that all of those years of partying in high school paid off since you are now consistently on that dean's list...not just once but every semester. After all, they always knew there was a budding Einstein lurking beneath that hung-over couch potato that they were amazed came from their loins!

Of course, there are colleges that allow you to do this: get an A in exchange for a check. They are called diploma mills and you can find hundreds of them listed on any search engine. My suggestion to bypass the academics and just issue the grade didn't go to far when I mentioned it to the college so, you are stuck in class with me for the next 15 weeks. Sorry.

Signed, Your Loving Professor